Monday, February 7, 2011

The Hoggtown Oink

Hoggtown, Arklabama, USA

All the latest REDNECK news, gossip, and other swill from the heart of swine country (oink oink sooooey)

Holotta Heiney awoke from her coma Monday to find her common-law husband Billy Bob Farkus getting real frisky with Nurse Rosie Bottoms. To make matters worse, while Holotta was bedridden and comatose, Billy Bob traded the wheels off their double-wide for a box full of shiny objects d’junk.

Gossip is that Billy Bob plans to dump Holotta and move in with Rosie. The couple plan to live in Billy Bob’s pickup until Rosie completes redecorating her ’91 Oldsmobile. Rosie has a reputation for being attracted to shiny things and it looks like Jim Bob’s new box of shiny objects d’junk did the trick. Some ask: should there be a prenup?

Dora Jean Moe finally had her triplets, and after consulting with her spiritual advisor, Madame Naomi, named them Eeany, Meany, and Miney.

A nose-pickin,’ booger flickin,’ good time was had by all at The Bingoplex Saturday night until an altercation brought the sheriff.

Mike Rotch was accused of conspiring with the bingo caller, “Cooter” Floot, to rig the evening’s high stakes game. Rotch won the $21.50 mega-jackpot when Floot called “G-44,” giving Rotch “bingo.” Bingofiles there knew that G-44 didn’t exist so they quickly grabbed Floot and held him down while his balls were thoroughly examined. None were found to have G-44 on them. Against his protests, Granny “vise-grip” McCoy volunteered to hang onto Floot’s balls until the hearing.

In addition to arresting Rotch and Floot, bingo task force investigator Deputy Zeke found other evidence that helped to solve a wave of bingo crime believed to be perpetrated by the Fettuccine and Linguine organized crime families.

The reputed head of the Fettuccine family, Don Semolina, denied any link to bingo crime and complained “We’re just ordinary businessmen trying to bring the glamour and excitement of bingo to America’s senile old farts.”

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
While ears should be cleaned regularly, it’s a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

A midnight madness sale at the Trailer Depot recently created a panic among Hoggtown’s citizens when the store sold out of duct tape. Horrified, Mayor Lem Phlegm asked “how could folks fix broken toilet seats, hold a car door shut, or repair upholstery without duct tape?” The town council agreed and voted to create a Strategic Duct Tape Reserve to insure Hoggtown’s survival when the Apocalyptic Duct Tape Event strikes in 2012.

Two local scholars (Lum Plunkett and “Curly” Nosehare) believe that the Mayans invented duct tape to hold up the stars and planets, and later used it to keep their ceremonial headdresses and stuff in place. The writing on walls of their ancient Porta-Potties foretold an Apocalyptic Duct Tape Event that will occur on December 21, 2012, when all duct tape adhesive would liquefy and fail. Pants would fall down, doors would fly open and the stars and planets would fall from the sky. Question: where would the stars and planets go when they “fall”?

In addition to the rusting automobile remains scattered about their front yard, the Chester Drawers family was proud of the assortment of dead 1970’s appliances sitting on their front porch (all in that ever-popular 70’s avocado green color).

Hoping to parlay the old refrigerators and washers into hard cash, Chester put the lot up for auction on eBay. Described as a “matching set of ‘green’ home appliances” in the listing, the bidding is currently up to $1,421 for the “green” collection. The auction is led by bidders blinded by environmental fervor to buy anything “green.”

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
On weddings: Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Success was not in the cards for Chardonnay Whyne. Her attempt to sell the naming rights to her hair styling salon brought only a single bid of $1. When she found out that the winning bidder was Harry Dandruff, she quickly cancelled the sale.

Loomis Gump suffered a mental meltdown last week and is currently recuperating. While telling a story about one of his uncles (his mom entertained a lot of “uncles”), he forgot the uncle’s name. He tried, but couldn’t remember whether the uncle’s name was Richard Dick, Richard Richard, Dick Richard, or Dick Dick. He began to worry when he couldn’t remember and was sure he had come down with magnesia, so he rushed to Dr. Ben Dova’s Clinic.

During examination, Loomis responded to a question from Dr. Dova by answering “Dick, doc.” All of a sudden something snapped and he kept saying “Dick, doc, Dick, doc, Dick, doc, until three o’clock when he cuckoo’d three times and went limp. He’s resting comfortably now (except for cuckooing, every hour on the hour).

A fight broke out at the Phugg Ewe Rental store in downtown Hoggtown on Friday evening during their weekly farm animal mixer. Owner Otis Phugg said that two local suitors became combative while vying for the attention of the same ewe. Seems that each of them thought that they had something “special” with Rubella. In contrast to the men, Rubella acted sheepish throughout the entire altercation.

Bystanders report that Cletus Jones went home with Rubella while the other unnamed suitor had to settle for an inflatable ewe.

Last Sunday at the Wombat County Wheelbarrow Games, the favorite, “Booger” McCoy, was disqualified when tests confirmed that he wasn’t the required 10% smarter than his wheelbarrow. The wheelbarrow scored 12 points higher than “Booger” on an IQ test. “Booger” complained, “It warn’t fair, I wasn’t never learnt nothin’ about no eye cues.”

Dewayne Hooter had to retire from the games when he lost control of his modified John Deere 201B wheelbarrow and fell face-first into the load (122 lbs. of fresh dung). He was heard to mumble, “tastes like sh*t” as he was rescued from the pile. He was driven home by his brother Enos after Doc Dova pronounced that he was the drunkest redneck he’d ever seen. “He’s even too drunk to fish.”

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no. They tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and affect the taste of foods eaten with the fingers, especially sardines, pig feet, and knuckle dips.

Thelma Sue Bovine snagged a real buy at Lum’s Sheep Dip and Flea Market on Sunday. She bought a First Place trophy awarded in the 2003 Wombat County Burp, Belch, and Fart contest.

Thelma Sue has always aspired to winning her own BBF trophy. She is widely known as having skills in the belch and burp segments, but was not as proficient in the fartal area. A freak outhouse accident several years ago left her with scars in her buttockal region that cause her rear end to whistle as she passes gas.

Judges have ruled that whistling compromises the tonal purity of the sound and distorts its natural resonance. The superfluous whistling therefore disqualifies her from farticipation.

Thelma Sue plans to display the newly acquired BBF trophy alongside the First Place trophies for Best Mud Pit Belly Flop that she won in 2001 and 2004.

The 2003 BBF winner, Dick Tactoe, had sold his prized trophy so he could buy a Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish plaque. Bad luck struck Tactoe when Billy Bass stopped talking and would only waggle his tail. “If my missus would do that, I’d marry her” said Tactoe.

Madam Naomi announced that she’s recently added crystal ball gazing to her services. She has a new state-of-the-art Brunswick ball. Madame Naomi says that even though the ball looks like it’s solid black to ordinary folks, she has the mystical power to see the images inside through the three viewing holes.

She reminds us that her specialties still include: palm-hair reading, interpreting tobaccy-spit ink blots, and ass-trology (analyzing the bumps and contours of a crevasse in the buttockal expanse).

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
Jaylene offers tips to women: Tame that pesky face, chest, and back hair without dangerous shears or string trimmers, it’s easy using duct tape!

Roscoe Moon has been bragging that Madame Naomi did a hairy-scope for him and found that he was born under the sign of Grits. Her chart found that he should either become The Pope – or a septic tank crap-sucker-upper. Moon is still considering his career options, though he is known to admire that funny hat the Pope wears.

Zeb Jones is still in hiding. Ever since his latest batch of backwoods home brew got out to locals, cases of severe gastric distress have been reported and blamed on his firewater. “I was piezened,” claimed “Coleslaw” McCoo. “I ain’t peed, farted, or pooped since I drank that stuff, I’m mite-near ready to explode.”

Worried about the possibility of accidental detonation, the Hoggtown volunteer Fire Department cautioned residents not to mistake “Coleslaw” for a piƱata. If struck and detonated, the blast could blanket everything within 50 ft. with the revolting toxic fallout.

Bystanders were also warned to keep all open flames away from McCoo’s orifices, to prevent accidental ignition of any escaping gasses.

Bubba Monk completed the redecoration of his popular dining establishment, Bubba’s Possum Pot. Bubba tells us that he’s taking a page from trendy big city restaurants and adding valet parking. “We’ll have Cooter’s boy, Lem Floot, parkin’ the trucks and tractors out back in the pasture. You’ll have to fetch your own truck though ‘cause Lem won’t remember where he put ‘em (he’s a mite slow). Course folks’ll have to watch their step in the pasture. Iffen they do step in cow-leavins, we’ll hose-down floorboards and shoes for free.”

It’s safe to say that Bubba is raising the bar for style and class in Hoggtown.

The Possum Pot has also added new items to the menu. Bubba is highlighting the big three of critter meat: racoon, possum, and gopher. He says his pulled possum is plumb tasty and his new raccoon casserole and gopher freakcasee are lip-smackin’ good too. He reminds us to “ask your waitress about the nightcrawler salad with honey-buzzard dressing.” Yummmm-ee!

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
Men: Always establish with your date’s parents what time she is expected back home. If the answer is “Monday,” it’s your responsibility to get her to school on time.

The annual Founder’s Day Parade scheduled to be held on the fifth Tuesday in February will be cancelled on account of there being no fifth Tuesday this year. Again?

We asked Hoggtown’s official historian, R.T. Fishal, about the cancellation. R.T. tells The Oink that “we ain’t never had a Founder’s Day parade. Ever year, we plan it an’ we have to cancel it ‘cause there ain’t no fifth Tuesday. All that time we spent wearing shoes an’ practicin’ walking reeeel slow was wasted. Grinnin’ an’ waving an’ walkin’ at the same time is hard work. I coulda been doin’ somethin’funner an’ learnable, like watchin’ worm baitin’ on the Fish Channel.”

“It’s a plot by them aliens, I know it is. Right after Rufus Hogg founded Hoggtown, aliens carried his little girls Ima and Etta off – no lie, it’s true. And when they came back, they was both pregnant with little alien babies. Them babies was so ugly, they coulda trick or treated by telephone. But ever since them aliens deducted them Hogg twins, we ain’t had no fifth Tuesdays. Them aliens stolt our fifth Tuesdays just like they stolt the Hogg girls, ’cept that they sent Ima an’ Etta back and kept our fifth Tuesdays.”

The Hoggtown Learning School held finishin’ exercises for the really, really, remedial class of 2011 last Thursday. Teacher Dee Minus (former Miss Wombat County 1999) presented dee-plomas to her students Billy T. Bone and Authur Donics for satisfying her course of study. Ms. Minus admits to bending over backwards and working her fingers to the bone day and night to keep the teenage boys interested. Sometimes they could be seen leaving her place late at night, worn out after an evening of hard studying. But the boys aren’t complaining, they just smile a lot and can’t wait to study again.

It looks like the “learning” bug has bitten Hoggtown’s teen boys, there is now a long waiting list for Ms. Minus’ class next semester.

Hoggtown civic leaders broke ground on the community’s new Cultural Center Tuesday. Following the shovel event, they announced a few of the exciting exhibits. Here’s a preview:

A informative primer on shoes: how they work, how to use them, and answers to that age-old question: why shoes?
A tribute to bib overalls.
A sculpture of the Mona Lisa made entirely from Skoal cans.
A sculpture of General Remus Hogg who fought at the Battle of Chimichanga. The piece is cleverly constructed of pork skins glued together with bean dip.
A tribute wall commemorating contributions by Jim Beam, Ezra Brooks, and Jack Daniels to redneck culture.
A diorama depicting the heyday of fireworks stands prior to the Big Boom of 2001.

As part of the Cultural Center event, Elrod Fudd will give live demonstrations showing the proper way to apply deer urine prior to hunting. He cautioned that the technique should only be used for deer. Applying deer urine when hunting for female companionship has delivered mixed results. And never, ever use it as an aftershave.

Mr. Fudd has also consented to giving a personal demonstration of carrot calls. He’ll show the proper way to hide behind a tree and make carrot noises to attract wabbits. This is a special private demonstration and no wabbits will be admitted.

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.