Monday, February 7, 2011

The Hoggtown Oink

Hoggtown, Arklabama, USA

All the latest REDNECK news, gossip, and other swill from the heart of swine country (oink oink sooooey)

Holotta Heiney awoke from her coma Monday to find her common-law husband Billy Bob Farkus getting real frisky with Nurse Rosie Bottoms. To make matters worse, while Holotta was bedridden and comatose, Billy Bob traded the wheels off their double-wide for a box full of shiny objects d’junk.

Gossip is that Billy Bob plans to dump Holotta and move in with Rosie. The couple plan to live in Billy Bob’s pickup until Rosie completes redecorating her ’91 Oldsmobile. Rosie has a reputation for being attracted to shiny things and it looks like Jim Bob’s new box of shiny objects d’junk did the trick. Some ask: should there be a prenup?

Dora Jean Moe finally had her triplets, and after consulting with her spiritual advisor, Madame Naomi, named them Eeany, Meany, and Miney.

A nose-pickin,’ booger flickin,’ good time was had by all at The Bingoplex Saturday night until an altercation brought the sheriff.

Mike Rotch was accused of conspiring with the bingo caller, “Cooter” Floot, to rig the evening’s high stakes game. Rotch won the $21.50 mega-jackpot when Floot called “G-44,” giving Rotch “bingo.” Bingofiles there knew that G-44 didn’t exist so they quickly grabbed Floot and held him down while his balls were thoroughly examined. None were found to have G-44 on them. Against his protests, Granny “vise-grip” McCoy volunteered to hang onto Floot’s balls until the hearing.

In addition to arresting Rotch and Floot, bingo task force investigator Deputy Zeke found other evidence that helped to solve a wave of bingo crime believed to be perpetrated by the Fettuccine and Linguine organized crime families.

The reputed head of the Fettuccine family, Don Semolina, denied any link to bingo crime and complained “We’re just ordinary businessmen trying to bring the glamour and excitement of bingo to America’s senile old farts.”

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
While ears should be cleaned regularly, it’s a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

A midnight madness sale at the Trailer Depot recently created a panic among Hoggtown’s citizens when the store sold out of duct tape. Horrified, Mayor Lem Phlegm asked “how could folks fix broken toilet seats, hold a car door shut, or repair upholstery without duct tape?” The town council agreed and voted to create a Strategic Duct Tape Reserve to insure Hoggtown’s survival when the Apocalyptic Duct Tape Event strikes in 2012.

Two local scholars (Lum Plunkett and “Curly” Nosehare) believe that the Mayans invented duct tape to hold up the stars and planets, and later used it to keep their ceremonial headdresses and stuff in place. The writing on walls of their ancient Porta-Potties foretold an Apocalyptic Duct Tape Event that will occur on December 21, 2012, when all duct tape adhesive would liquefy and fail. Pants would fall down, doors would fly open and the stars and planets would fall from the sky. Question: where would the stars and planets go when they “fall”?

In addition to the rusting automobile remains scattered about their front yard, the Chester Drawers family was proud of the assortment of dead 1970’s appliances sitting on their front porch (all in that ever-popular 70’s avocado green color).

Hoping to parlay the old refrigerators and washers into hard cash, Chester put the lot up for auction on eBay. Described as a “matching set of ‘green’ home appliances” in the listing, the bidding is currently up to $1,421 for the “green” collection. The auction is led by bidders blinded by environmental fervor to buy anything “green.”

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
On weddings: Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Success was not in the cards for Chardonnay Whyne. Her attempt to sell the naming rights to her hair styling salon brought only a single bid of $1. When she found out that the winning bidder was Harry Dandruff, she quickly cancelled the sale.

Loomis Gump suffered a mental meltdown last week and is currently recuperating. While telling a story about one of his uncles (his mom entertained a lot of “uncles”), he forgot the uncle’s name. He tried, but couldn’t remember whether the uncle’s name was Richard Dick, Richard Richard, Dick Richard, or Dick Dick. He began to worry when he couldn’t remember and was sure he had come down with magnesia, so he rushed to Dr. Ben Dova’s Clinic.

During examination, Loomis responded to a question from Dr. Dova by answering “Dick, doc.” All of a sudden something snapped and he kept saying “Dick, doc, Dick, doc, Dick, doc, until three o’clock when he cuckoo’d three times and went limp. He’s resting comfortably now (except for cuckooing, every hour on the hour).

A fight broke out at the Phugg Ewe Rental store in downtown Hoggtown on Friday evening during their weekly farm animal mixer. Owner Otis Phugg said that two local suitors became combative while vying for the attention of the same ewe. Seems that each of them thought that they had something “special” with Rubella. In contrast to the men, Rubella acted sheepish throughout the entire altercation.

Bystanders report that Cletus Jones went home with Rubella while the other unnamed suitor had to settle for an inflatable ewe.

Last Sunday at the Wombat County Wheelbarrow Games, the favorite, “Booger” McCoy, was disqualified when tests confirmed that he wasn’t the required 10% smarter than his wheelbarrow. The wheelbarrow scored 12 points higher than “Booger” on an IQ test. “Booger” complained, “It warn’t fair, I wasn’t never learnt nothin’ about no eye cues.”

Dewayne Hooter had to retire from the games when he lost control of his modified John Deere 201B wheelbarrow and fell face-first into the load (122 lbs. of fresh dung). He was heard to mumble, “tastes like sh*t” as he was rescued from the pile. He was driven home by his brother Enos after Doc Dova pronounced that he was the drunkest redneck he’d ever seen. “He’s even too drunk to fish.”

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no. They tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and affect the taste of foods eaten with the fingers, especially sardines, pig feet, and knuckle dips.

Thelma Sue Bovine snagged a real buy at Lum’s Sheep Dip and Flea Market on Sunday. She bought a First Place trophy awarded in the 2003 Wombat County Burp, Belch, and Fart contest.

Thelma Sue has always aspired to winning her own BBF trophy. She is widely known as having skills in the belch and burp segments, but was not as proficient in the fartal area. A freak outhouse accident several years ago left her with scars in her buttockal region that cause her rear end to whistle as she passes gas.

Judges have ruled that whistling compromises the tonal purity of the sound and distorts its natural resonance. The superfluous whistling therefore disqualifies her from farticipation.

Thelma Sue plans to display the newly acquired BBF trophy alongside the First Place trophies for Best Mud Pit Belly Flop that she won in 2001 and 2004.

The 2003 BBF winner, Dick Tactoe, had sold his prized trophy so he could buy a Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish plaque. Bad luck struck Tactoe when Billy Bass stopped talking and would only waggle his tail. “If my missus would do that, I’d marry her” said Tactoe.

Madam Naomi announced that she’s recently added crystal ball gazing to her services. She has a new state-of-the-art Brunswick ball. Madame Naomi says that even though the ball looks like it’s solid black to ordinary folks, she has the mystical power to see the images inside through the three viewing holes.

She reminds us that her specialties still include: palm-hair reading, interpreting tobaccy-spit ink blots, and ass-trology (analyzing the bumps and contours of a crevasse in the buttockal expanse).

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
Jaylene offers tips to women: Tame that pesky face, chest, and back hair without dangerous shears or string trimmers, it’s easy using duct tape!

Roscoe Moon has been bragging that Madame Naomi did a hairy-scope for him and found that he was born under the sign of Grits. Her chart found that he should either become The Pope – or a septic tank crap-sucker-upper. Moon is still considering his career options, though he is known to admire that funny hat the Pope wears.

Zeb Jones is still in hiding. Ever since his latest batch of backwoods home brew got out to locals, cases of severe gastric distress have been reported and blamed on his firewater. “I was piezened,” claimed “Coleslaw” McCoo. “I ain’t peed, farted, or pooped since I drank that stuff, I’m mite-near ready to explode.”

Worried about the possibility of accidental detonation, the Hoggtown volunteer Fire Department cautioned residents not to mistake “Coleslaw” for a piƱata. If struck and detonated, the blast could blanket everything within 50 ft. with the revolting toxic fallout.

Bystanders were also warned to keep all open flames away from McCoo’s orifices, to prevent accidental ignition of any escaping gasses.

Bubba Monk completed the redecoration of his popular dining establishment, Bubba’s Possum Pot. Bubba tells us that he’s taking a page from trendy big city restaurants and adding valet parking. “We’ll have Cooter’s boy, Lem Floot, parkin’ the trucks and tractors out back in the pasture. You’ll have to fetch your own truck though ‘cause Lem won’t remember where he put ‘em (he’s a mite slow). Course folks’ll have to watch their step in the pasture. Iffen they do step in cow-leavins, we’ll hose-down floorboards and shoes for free.”

It’s safe to say that Bubba is raising the bar for style and class in Hoggtown.

The Possum Pot has also added new items to the menu. Bubba is highlighting the big three of critter meat: racoon, possum, and gopher. He says his pulled possum is plumb tasty and his new raccoon casserole and gopher freakcasee are lip-smackin’ good too. He reminds us to “ask your waitress about the nightcrawler salad with honey-buzzard dressing.” Yummmm-ee!

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
Men: Always establish with your date’s parents what time she is expected back home. If the answer is “Monday,” it’s your responsibility to get her to school on time.

The annual Founder’s Day Parade scheduled to be held on the fifth Tuesday in February will be cancelled on account of there being no fifth Tuesday this year. Again?

We asked Hoggtown’s official historian, R.T. Fishal, about the cancellation. R.T. tells The Oink that “we ain’t never had a Founder’s Day parade. Ever year, we plan it an’ we have to cancel it ‘cause there ain’t no fifth Tuesday. All that time we spent wearing shoes an’ practicin’ walking reeeel slow was wasted. Grinnin’ an’ waving an’ walkin’ at the same time is hard work. I coulda been doin’ somethin’funner an’ learnable, like watchin’ worm baitin’ on the Fish Channel.”

“It’s a plot by them aliens, I know it is. Right after Rufus Hogg founded Hoggtown, aliens carried his little girls Ima and Etta off – no lie, it’s true. And when they came back, they was both pregnant with little alien babies. Them babies was so ugly, they coulda trick or treated by telephone. But ever since them aliens deducted them Hogg twins, we ain’t had no fifth Tuesdays. Them aliens stolt our fifth Tuesdays just like they stolt the Hogg girls, ’cept that they sent Ima an’ Etta back and kept our fifth Tuesdays.”

The Hoggtown Learning School held finishin’ exercises for the really, really, remedial class of 2011 last Thursday. Teacher Dee Minus (former Miss Wombat County 1999) presented dee-plomas to her students Billy T. Bone and Authur Donics for satisfying her course of study. Ms. Minus admits to bending over backwards and working her fingers to the bone day and night to keep the teenage boys interested. Sometimes they could be seen leaving her place late at night, worn out after an evening of hard studying. But the boys aren’t complaining, they just smile a lot and can’t wait to study again.

It looks like the “learning” bug has bitten Hoggtown’s teen boys, there is now a long waiting list for Ms. Minus’ class next semester.

Hoggtown civic leaders broke ground on the community’s new Cultural Center Tuesday. Following the shovel event, they announced a few of the exciting exhibits. Here’s a preview:

A informative primer on shoes: how they work, how to use them, and answers to that age-old question: why shoes?
A tribute to bib overalls.
A sculpture of the Mona Lisa made entirely from Skoal cans.
A sculpture of General Remus Hogg who fought at the Battle of Chimichanga. The piece is cleverly constructed of pork skins glued together with bean dip.
A tribute wall commemorating contributions by Jim Beam, Ezra Brooks, and Jack Daniels to redneck culture.
A diorama depicting the heyday of fireworks stands prior to the Big Boom of 2001.

As part of the Cultural Center event, Elrod Fudd will give live demonstrations showing the proper way to apply deer urine prior to hunting. He cautioned that the technique should only be used for deer. Applying deer urine when hunting for female companionship has delivered mixed results. And never, ever use it as an aftershave.

Mr. Fudd has also consented to giving a personal demonstration of carrot calls. He’ll show the proper way to hide behind a tree and make carrot noises to attract wabbits. This is a special private demonstration and no wabbits will be admitted.

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Pushed Around

I’ve got a few predictions to share. All I ask is that you (just for a moment) consider how much truth there MIGHT be in what I’m saying.

I believe that many of those who vote for Obama are voting for their messiah. He embodies hope and change and is all that a man could (and should) be. He is a bright, articulate, good-looking rock upon which we can build a great new world. In short, he is their savior. To black folks, he also represents their race – the first of their kind to lead the country.” Will Obama lead us to the “promised land” that MLK spoke of?

I don’t think so … (you knew that was coming, didn’t you?)

Obama is the one of the “rookiest” of the 100 senators (86th) and (even as President) will have a tough time exerting any appreciable influence over the likes of Ted Kennedy, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein, et al.

Obama has voted according to the democrat position 96.5% of the time on 340 votes. He has done what he was told to do – toe the party line, damn near 100% of the time.

Obama has exhibited no “maverick” streak – that is, no propensity to take control and follow his vision or logic when it conflicts with his political peers. This holds true during his entire adult life (college student, community organizer, state senator, U.S. Senator).

Based on these observations, I believe that a vote for Obama is, in effect, voting for an administration run by committee – a committee of Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, Chuck Schumer, Dianne Feinstein, et al.

Remember that they are the leaders of the congress which currently sports an 18.5% approval rating (source: Real Clear Politics) – even lower than President Bush. An eighteen percent approval and you want to give them more influence? When the dems took control at the beginning of 2007, congress’ approval shot up to 34% because democrats hoped that everything would be better. Now, here we are at the end of June (a year and a half later) and they get an 18.5% rating. Did that hope of January, 2007 translate into reality eighteen months later? Not according to 81.5% of the populace – it didn’t improve – it got worse – much worse.

Is Obama going to whip these miscreants into shape? I think not. Rather, he will do as he is told. He will be directed by congressional leadership and the rabid left and we’ll get more of the same arrogant, out-of-touch, tax and spend congressional activity that we’ve come to expect. That’s too bad – the country deserves better.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I Spoke Too Soon

I almost wish I hadn’t already decided not to vote for Omama. In fact, as of this moment, I will officially refute my earlier decision.

Thus now, I WILL be voting for Omama (can I get a Hallelujah)!

Now that I am officially an Omama supporter, I can decide to vote AGAINST him just to piss these people (the BET awards crowd) off. As if there weren’t already 101 reasons to vote against the Messiah, this one is a doozy. Dig this, Puff Diddy, I’m gonna vote AGAINST this man for the same reason you’re voting for him.

Know what ahm sayin?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

How to Evaluate Bush’s Programs

Although I’m no longer a qualified programmer, I could still write a program to support the left’s considered, thoughtful, in-depth assessment of any of Bush’s decisions, actions, or policies. It’s really not too difficult.

Instructions: Type any Bush activity and touch Enter.

The program code:
Step 1. Accept input from keyboard.
Step 2. Display “WRONG”.
Step 3. Go to Step 1.

That’s pretty much it. No pesky IF conditions, no evaluation of variables, no complex arguments, just the results as predefined in the specs written by a consortium of the DNC, Kos, Huffington, MSM, etc.. It’s obvious they’ve been using a similar program for years.

Imagine that, Bush is sheer perfection – he’s ALWAYS wrong! We should be able to harness this unique ability and steer the country in the right direction by doing exactly the opposite of what the prez proposes. What a concept. How could we go wrong?

BTW, I’ll donate any software license revenue from this program to charity, I’m glad I could help.

The Aphrodisiac of Power

The left is hell-bent on regaining power. That’s the reason they do everything possible to make the current administration appear feckless. They believe that the negative perception of current policies will translate to tipping the elections in their favor. It’s in their selfish interest to ignore anything positive, or worse to repaint the truth with a dirty brush.

The actions taken by the far left, including most democrat members of congress and the mass media, are not only irresponsible, they are unpatriotic. I know that they hate that word – it draws immediate hostile fire – but when conscious actions result in aiding an enemy, what else can those actions be called?

This is all about George Bush. They’re convinced that if they portray President Bush as an ignorant gunslinger without either a plan or a clue, they’ll regain power. And, unfortunately they may be right. Too many Americans simply accept what appears in the mass media as factual.

Democrats say “We’ve got a better plan”. Sure, they’ve got a plan for stopping the war, for universal health care, for reducing gas prices, improving the economy, balancing the budget, reducing the deficit, and on and on. They have a “plan” for solving any problem ranging from yeast infections to galactic exploration. Simply "having a plan" doesn't automatically mean that "the plan" will work.

Why should we believe them? After all, their plans to retake the White House in 2004 were unsuccessful. The promises made before retaking congress in 2006 have turned out to be "hot air". The democrats haven’t proven themselves capable of carrying out a predefined plan at all – why should anyone be expected to think that these new “plans” work any better. Better to gauge the dem's results than to accept their rhetoric.

Take John Kerry for example. He and his campaign team worked for several years to formulate one master “plan” with a single purpose, to win the presidency. During the campaign, they made adjustments to the original plan as weaknesses surfaced. The final result was that his plan didn’t do what it was designed to do. Why didn’t it work? His plan failed because Kerry failed to convince a large enough percentage of independents to vote for him and failed to get an appreciable crossover from republicans. He had a plan - it just didn't work.

If John Kerry (and the Democrats in general) can’t “negotiate” enough American voters into accepting Democrat leadership, how can they expect to convince radical Islam to do an about face, become respectful of Jews and Christians, and live peacefully in the world community?

An old-timer’s view of race

I’m officially a geezer and grew up during a time when the races were segregated. In the south, the N-word wasn’t used as a derogatory term as much as a descriptive term – it’s what blacks were called – including those that were held in affection. True, most often those genuinely liked by whites were nannies or cooks, but they wouldn’t have been intentionally disparaged.

Blacks were viewed as second-class citizens to be sure. History tells us of the indignities they were forced to endure, and the older among us have witnessed (and participated) in those indignities.

In hindsight, we now know that it was not right to treat blacks as anything less than equal. I say “in hindsight” because back then most whites were “educated” by society to view black persons as inherently inferior. For most whites, it wasn’t done with a particular malice – it was just the way it was. That was life in America in the forties and fifties.

Practically everything was segregated and that meant that there was little positive interaction between the races. There were few blacks in government, on police forces, in the movies or on the radio. But, there were also fewer single-parent families and a much lower crime rate. Unwed mothers were taboo and black children, even though in less than favorable surroundings, learned. The black community, while mistreated as a group, remained a positive force in the lives of black America.

Then, there came a period of gradual transition – probably late fifties to seventies – when the civil rights movement prompted white Americans to do some soul-searching. There were still bigots and racists to be sure, but they were in the minority. By the time that this 15-20 year period ended, most white Americans no longer viewed blacks as less than equal. I know that my four years in the service were entirely integrated and devoid of any racial problems. We ate, slept, and did everything together – as equals.

Since whites held all of the power and outnumbered blacks by something like 8 to 1, advances experienced by blacks were brought about by whites. Blacks simply didn’t have the numbers or the power to do so themselves.

During this time, young white people began to embrace “black” music, and black actors began to appear in movies and television.

Fast forward to the 21st century.

In 2000, blacks occupied over 9,000 elected positions in government, including the position of mayor in many of our largest cities. Blacks have been appointed to cabinet positions, Secretary of State (twice) and Supreme Court Justice. In 2008, we have a bona fide candidate for the Presidency with a real chance of winning.

Yet those whose business is racism like Jackson, Sharpton, and Wright continue to tell us that “the white man” is keeping them down. Black folks aren’t responsible for any of the ills suffered by the black community – it’s all whiteys fault. They do their best to ignore the progress that’s been evident over the past 30 years.

In today’s culture, the term “closure” is often used to identify the completion of a chapter in a person’s life in order to move forward. It’s my opinion that many blacks need closure to release painful links to the past. Slavery is gone – today’s white generation was not responsible for slavery – let it go.

The same is true for segregation. While many older Americans (like me) likely did contribute to racial mistreatment in their earlier years, the vast majority have revised their thinking to recognize that black folks are indeed our brothers and sisters. While segregation may not be completely eliminated, it has been minimized and is no longer the impediment to an individual’s progress that it once was – now, black folks need to let it go too.

Truth, the Ultimate Investment

Truth could be the ultimate answer to practically every problem facing everyone.

We learn, through life experiences, that we can’t simply take what people say as gospel truth – most people lie some, and some people lie a lot.

But, what if there was a way to identify, with 100% (or even 99.99%) accuracy, a statement to be true or false. Think about the ramifications of real truth on the way we live.

Truth could solve problems ranging from knowing whether the Prius will really get 50 MPG to deciding who should be the next President.

Did your spouse cheat on you? Was your employee really sick last Friday? Is the check really in the mail? Did you cheat on your taxes? [OK, maybe we need a tax-cheating loophole, but you get the point.]

A jury’s responsibility would shift from determining guilt to assessing a sentence – based on the truth of the case. Most attorneys would be reeducated until they could master “want fries with that?” Institutional racism could no longer exist, nor could the anti-white activities of Revs. Jackson, Sharpton, or Wright.

We could begin to trust our associates, our friends, our spouses, our churches, and our elected representatives. Our spy networks would no longer be necessary and if we could accurately differentiate between our real friends and those who mean us harm, we could better defend ourselves, both individually and as a country. No President could “lie us into a war” or play “hide the cigar” in the oval office.

It would no longer be possible for fraud to exist, identity theft would be gone, only guilty people would be sent to prison – and we’d never execute an innocent person. Never again could someone be cheated or swindled in any kind of transaction.

Private sector companies would be competing based on merit and service rather than marketing hype and half-truths. Wouldn’t it be refreshing if we could believe commercials?

Social Security and Medicare could be dealt with without partisan politics. Eliminating fraud in these programs would likely mean that the benefits could be increased and the programs could be put on fiscally firm ground.

The IRS would be reduced to perhaps a few thousand “truth evaluators” and pork-barrel patronage couldn’t be hidden away in a “Food for the Hungry Children” bill. This alone would save billions that could be spent in more beneficial ways. Let’s put the environmentalists and oil company reps in a small room and find out how much truth there is in each position – there’s probably some truth and some lie in each position.

We could accurately evaluate our elected representatives (this probably would mean that current incumbents would be forced to find “gainful” employment) like replacing the illegals working the crops. Many (including Congress) would fight tooth and nail to bury such a device. But if someone were seen as opposing the truth, isn’t that an indictment on its face? Most of our “public servants” would quietly retire and not seek reelection if a “truth assessment” became part of qualifying for public office.

Education would be vastly improved with no political shadings – just the facts. There would be no more revisionist history – what happened – happened. Quality educators could be identified and paid accordingly, others could find work as Wal-Mart greeters.

Imagine how free and happy we could be if we could drop the defensive shield we’re forced to maintain and be truly trusting of our fellow humans.

All we need is a way to parse statements through a truth filter.

Nobody said it would be easy but the development of a truth detector would truly be a world-changing event. With so many “wrongs” that could be “righted” by such a device, why aren’t we funding scientific research to the level of a space program? The ROI would be mind-boggling in the truest context of the term.